First of all, I’d like to believe that this post is heavily caffeine driven. Though my doctor warned me about my personal consumption due to acid reflux (not that I am a regular literally bordering on “substance abuse”), I can always rely on coffee’s comforting warmth like that of a good hug and a gentle yet encouraging pat on the back. In some instances as a source of solace, as Dr. Sheldon Cooper would commonly quip, “when people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them a hot beverage”. Though I would whisper Bazinga! but just out of habit following a Sheldon Cooper quote, I’d say this is pretty spot on. In moments of repose while in desperate need of some jolt of inspiration, I reward myself with a good cup to help clear my head. It just, somehow, allows the thorough cathartic flow of thoughts onto my medium of choice, be it on my blog or on paper. Hence, this post.
Of Answered Prayers…
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready” (The Devil and Miss Prym)
Against all odds, I have always firmly believed that happiness is truly a choice, that there would always be something to be thankful for, something to smile about. I have been experiencing overwhelming euphoria since last year, one that I have not felt in so long that it feels new to me all over again. For the first time in so long, it feels as though a void has been filled. For the past months, life has been so good to me. Opportunities poured in, dreams came true, prayers answered, relationships reassessed and rediscovered. It could be the law of attraction working in full force, this overwhelming happiness completely changing my outlook in life. I don’t know for what reasons they may be happening, but as I would always say, I am utterly grateful.
Back in my Multiply days where I used to blog religiously, a friend once left a comment in one of my life updates/ wish list type entries, saying “read through this in a year’s time. You’d be surprised”. On one cold November evening, I felt a sudden strong urge to take a much needed trip through retrospect and open my journal. Lo and behold, it took me by surprise seeing an entry I had written a year before and discovered how it seamlessly connected to the present. What I had longed and prayed for during those difficult times were answered in the present, without me even knowing it. To simply put it, great things happen and just take you by surprise. Expect the unexpected. I never even counted the months that had elapsed before I had gotten what I had wanted. It just happened, and in a year’s time, which I could neither define as too short or too long. I am just entirely overwhelmed by how it has come to fruit, and how it has taken me by surprise just makes me feel complete. The time frame no longer mattered. Everything indeed happens for a reason.
…and Separation Anxiety
“Goodnight, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow” (Romeo and Juliet)
Along with this relatively “new” feeling of utmost joy, I also feel a strong sense of separation anxiety. It’s not that I’m afraid of letting go of this but rather, everything that has happened recently has also placed me in such a vulnerable state, which I have come to regard as one of my most challenging phases to date in all aspects. It must be one of the trials that comes along with age. Since last year, I count down the days till my 24th thinking that all of this is actually preparing me for something big, something that will soon take me by surprise again. At times, I worry about the crossroads and the decisions that I make. What will become of me if I took the other way, I would think to myself. It both amazes and scares me, thinking that if I had taken the path I was set to journey through back in 2006, I know in my bones that all of this would not have happened. I am at a point in my life where I actually feel at ease, holding close to my heart the thought that everything right now is exactly where they should be. I was completely struck watching the film Cloud Atlas, which I had decided to catch at the cinema alone. I pondered deeply at the thought of how our lives and decisions are interconnected, through time and through different people. Looking back into the past almost seven years ago proves that all of the heartaches and life changing decisions have eventually prepared me for where I am now. Things are exactly where they should be, and the past now feels worth it. Different things become clearer each day, and they make so much sense now more than ever.
Amidst the joy, I am also afraid of how the coming days and months would progress from hereon. How would things hold up for me, and how would I hold up to all these challenges coming my way. Yet despite these realities that I am set to face, I keep close to my heart that very memorable quote that complete struck me while watching Cloud Atlas, and I know in the end everything would be worth it. All I need to hold onto dearly now, aside from hard work, is faith and patience, and constantly remind myself that “I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I’ll be waiting for you there”. Maybe I am just preparing myself for you, whoever you maybe, and whoever I would end up to be in the near future. In the end, everything should be worth it. Patience, young Padawan. It really is everything.
“It was almost like falling in love.” (500 Days of Summer)
In the recent months, I find myself truly singing again, and not just the mere act of it in the literal sense. Coming from a family of music lovers, singing has always been so close to my heart since time immemorial, which I regard not only as a great form of release (I have this strange habit of singing out loud, belting high notes at 2 in the morning before hitting the sack. Don’t judge me, it helps), but in its purest form, a medium of self expression, of love and passion. For the longest time, I have never felt the soul in every song I choose to sing, thoroughly grasping every word of it leave from my lips and seemingly breathing a life of its own. It’s more than just the act, it’s a complete and total experience in itself. More than just simply listening, it moves me. It compels me to think, to feel. I started writing again too. For the longest time, I’ve never had the urge to religiously pen down even the most mundane of things I encounter on the everyday, which is pretty evident in the large time intervals between posts in this blog. There are just so many thoughts that just need to be forever immortalized that I could constantly revisit at a whim or whenever I’m in a rather forgiving mood to take that much needed trip through retrospect for some self assessment. At times, I dread the day that the next generation would altogether nix the notion of penning down thoughts, memories on paper. Every stroke of a pen is an extension of the heart, so I make it a point to make everything count. Everyday is special and carries a gift in itself. I’d like to be in touch with whatever comes and goes in my life, to keep things in perspective. One day, I could look back into the past and remember how life treated me when I was 17, how I had a rather early quarter life crisis and recount the very liberating adventure that helped me cope with all the trials at 21, how relationships turned around and nurtured me into a greater sense of maturity, how I was able to rediscover myself at 23.
Slowly but surely, I shall take everything a day at a time, pen and paper or laptop in hand, and in some occasions, a cup of coffee on the side. I’ve been off to a good start. True enough, it almost feels a lot like falling in love… all over again.